APOTcalypse NOW | Election Day Special

APOTcalypse NOW | Election Day Special

By Sebastian Garrett-Singh, Ordained Minister, Universal Life Church

The elections are here and there’s a buzz in the air, (and I am not talking about weed smoke)… as the nation prepares to pick its next president, local initiatives are stirring up mixed feelings in the communities. Here at New City Collegian, we have a few predictions on the big three local initiatives and how they will affect the Hill.

I-502-APOTcalypse Now?         Approved! 55%/45%

What this means for Capitol Hill:

Cal Anderson Park will turn into an ever-revolving smoke fest… oh wait… teachers will begin sneaking spliffs as finals pressure creeps in. Drug dogs will become publically funded community pets for stoners amusement while Capitol Hill becomes the world’s New Amsterdam as all the closed weed shops begin to spring up again like, well… weed. New Washington codes will have to be put in place to stop smoking on campus but until then crime will be reduced as stoned muggers will forgot why they walked up to you.

Ref. 74-Gay Marriage = Big Business for Me        Approved! 52%/48%

What this means for Capitol Hill:

Conservatives will sink into a deep depression and begin divorcing their partners. Gay marriages will be popping up like wildflowers on the hill and produce some creative wedding ceremonies. I will also make a killing as Universal Life Church minister as a new market opens up, cha-ching! (Seriously, I’m registered – give me a call!)

I-1204-Dystopian Schools to Rule the Land         Approved (meh) 51%/49%

What this means for Capitol Hill:

Teachers’ unions meetings will turn into Mad Max Thunderdomed-styled battles as they dissolve into chaos; East Precinct police will try to stop it only to have their cars’ stripped and gas stolen by unruly mobs of professors. Charter school and public school teachers will argue over who is more legit: “Well, stats say I help students 3% more of the time,” “Uh uh…well I’m tenured bitch!” Seattle Central will eventually turn into the Bill and Melinda Gates Institute for Higher Learning as administrators hold Hunger Game styled lotteries in the South Plaza to see who becomes a student.

Capitol Hill is looking to add a little more oomph this upcoming week as large pot parties begin to break out, rainbow banners drop from the scaffolds in the park a la WTO, and rich investors begin breaking bottles of champagne on their newly christened schools. Take cover!

(I, for one, will be available first thing Wednesday to assist committed couples with their wedding planning…)

You can check out my primaries election guide here and stay tuned to Capitol Hill Seattle Blog as they provide election and neighborhood updates.

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