By Tony Cantelli
Authors note: About midway through the first paragraph I start referring to people with neckbeards as “Neckbeards” this is to eliminate redundancy because I would keep calling people with neckbeards, people with neckbeards and that will take up less space than to call the people with neckbeards, Neckbeards exclusively. I hope you understand that I cannot keep repeating the same thing over and over again.
With the Internet boom of the late 90’s we were met with a thing so revolutionary, so raw, and so utterly manly that we had no choice but to accept it as the epitome masculinity. That thing is the Neckbeard. While full beards and otherwise were manly themselves, the sole neckbeard – that resulted from what was once considered bad bearding genes – was once thought to be a show of poor hygiene or a high amount of laziness.
Many think that the neckbeard is so manly because it keeps a man’s face cool while warming the neck allowing for a more relaxed and deeper voice. Others think the neckbeard can create the illusion that the adorner is a descendent of beast, as many creatures have fur around their face but not on it. This is all speculation and myth though, for the cold hard facts a confidential study done by scientists was done.
The study showed that the neckbeard was a source of testosterone garnering an affect that of a combination of steroids like Dianabol, Clenbuterol, or Deca-Durabolin. They are also shown to have estrogen blocking capabilities (estrogen is a girl chemical that give men breasts, gynecomastia). With the lack of estrogen and abundance of testosterone only a fool would think that neckbeards weren’t manly, however these fools are everywhere. They even think that the viewing of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the favorite show of the Neckbeards, is unmanly. While nothing in the study can tell us that the viewing of My Little Pony is manly, the Neckbeards themselves were quick to address and snuff out this infraction.
One Neckbeard said, “MLP is quite possible the greatest piece of fiction ever created. it teaches us lessons that only cartoon ponies can teach an adult male. Messages like ‘be nice to other people’ and ‘don’t take what is not yours’ are not being taught in schools and that is final, I was never aware of either of those things before MLP.”
Other interests of Neckbeards include the music of Korean and Japanese pop bands like Perfume and Girl’s Generation (also known as SNSD). This stark contrast between Neckbeards and their own interests baffles experts, and while we may never know why, we may start seeing more ‘hardcore’ punks with SNSD and MLP patches here soon.
However manly neckbeards might be, it should be observed that most Neckbeards appear to be single and most are in the conventional sense. Many women are incredibly attracted to the neckbeards’ sheer manliness but they are also intensely intimidated by that same manliness, scaring most of them off. This is not to the distaste of the average neckbeard, they state that they have a ‘Waifu’ they summed waifus up as, and I quote “Ultra kawaii pure maidens that understand me unlike most real pigdog women.”
Expect more on ‘Waifus’.